do the next thing

the last five and a half weeks have unquestionably been the most difficult and most wonderful of my life.  my sweet baby boy, colton michael duncan was born on thursday, april 5 at 11:42 PM.  after many hours of labor which began with induction at about 9:30 PM the night before, colton arrived!

so that's where i thought the pain and difficulty would end.  think again!  labor and delivery was a cinch in comparison to what was to follow.

quite honestly, i had been very judgmental in the past of people who chose not or could not breastfeed.  i thought they were just being wimpy.  i am not exaggerating when i say that feeding my baby has been the hardest thing i have ever had to do.  breastfeeding started well in the hospital...colton latched on and ate his first meal just a few minutes after birth.  once we got home it was another story!

we came home on saturday.  on easter sunday, my milk came in.  hello boulder boobs!!  i had no idea how much pain i would be in just from milk coming in.  colton ate nonstop for the first two weeks of his life and i thought i was going to lose my mind.  between the constant nursing and not leaving the house, i was as close as i ever have been to depression.  was i doing things right?  why did he need to eat all the time?  is this normal?  the next hurdle came a few weeks later when every time colton tried to eat he would cough and choke and pull off the breast.  we visited a lactation consultant and (although i had convinced myself colton had a tongue tie) the problem was due to the forceful letdown of my milk and possibly oversupply!  i was worried he wasn't getting enough!  then last week, having too much milk caused three plugged milk ducts and a breast infection called mastitis in my left breast.  finally, that has cleared and i finally feel like colton and i are hitting our stride with breastfeeding.  five and a half weeks later!  that may not sound like a long time, but let me tell you it seems like forever!

now we're able to leave the house without any problem and even breast feed in public if necessary.  i really feel like we have turned a corner and it will get easier from here.

throughout the whole process, i had an extremely supportive mother and a very responsive and patient lactation consultant helping me.  i prayed what seemed like every five minutes and  even though it didn't seem like it at the time, Jesus helped me through.

now that i am on the other side of this, i am so thankful i stuck with breastfeeding.  i remember my mom telling me in the past that when you are dealing with something difficult, just "do the next thing".  meaning, take things one step at a time.  get through the immediate problem and then tackle the next thing that comes along.  don't try to look too far down the road.  just deal with what is in front of you now.  before you know it, you'll be through it!

"in their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord directs their steps." -proverbs 16:9

getting out of the house

what a difference a year makes!  last year this time, i was still recovering emotionally from my miscarriage, wondering if i would ever be a mom.  today, i am 38 weeks pregnant with my son, colton michael duncan. i feel so excited and blessed, but anxious and scared at the same time.

it has been so hard to convince myself that this is actually real.  after what happened last time, i really have not allowed myself to believe that everything would work out.  here we are just two weeks away from colton's arrival and it still seems too good to be true.  i have to remind myself every day to have faith and trust that God is protecting colton and me.

several years ago, i was dealing with some issues and sought the help of a christian counselor.  i was so focused on one small part of my life that i was missing out on everything else.  the counselor asked me to think about what i was missing by being so obsessed with this one thing that i had very little control over.  it hit me that i am doing that again.  i have been so busy worrying that something would go wrong with my pregnancy that i have not taken time to enjoy it.  with every little pain or funny feeling, i expect the very worst.

my counselor told me to think about my life as if it was a house.  when i am so focused on something, i am inside the house in one room and i don't leave.  she said to get out of the house and look in the windows.  there are so many other things going on that i am missing out on by being in the one room!

although it is a little late, i am doing my best to get out of my "house" and peek in the windows for these last two weeks....praying and trusting that everything will be ok.

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." -philippians 4:6

this is how it feels to be held

i have lived such a blessed life and i am so thankful for it.  that's probably why this is so hard for me to come to grips with.  four weeks ago friday, i took a pregnancy test and two beautiful pink lines showed up.  and i took another one.  and another one.  all the same....we were pregnant!  my first instinct was to keep it to ourselves, but we had been trying for a few months and we were so so excited.  we managed to wait a few days, but we couldn't keep it in.  the first person we told was my brother-in-law, who had just become a father himself in october.  we were so thrilled that their little boy would have a cousin just a year younger!  the next week, we told a few other close friends and our parents.  both sets of future grandparents were very happy.  everything seemed to be progressing along just fine....i was feeling sick, tired all the time and all the other things that come along with early pregnancy.  we came up with names and talked about the future and how our lives were about to change.  and then it all came to a screeching halt.  yesterday, i was driving to an appointment when the song "held" by natalie grant came on the radio.  i shouldn't have even been in the car at that time, but i had an unexpected appointment come up that afternoon.  i listened to the lyrics and thought about how profound they were.  it is funny how God gives you little things that you will need at a later time.  i went home after the appointment and had a pretty average evening....leftovers and watching the bachelor (much to my husband's dismay).  just before bed, i went to the bathroom and there was a small amount of blood.  this morning, i called my doctor and they got me in right away.  i sat in my car and prayed for a miracle, a false alarm, anything.  the sonographer was in training...just a student from the local college.  she squeezed the warm gel onto my stomach and swirled the machine around.  my husband held my hand and tried to smile.  i knew almost immediately that it wasn't good.  she brought in her trainer to confirm.  there was no heartbeat.  all i could hear at that moment was the chorus to the song "held"...."this is how it feels to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.  this is how it feels to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."  i just pictured Jesus holding me right there in the exam room.  i felt so empty....broken.....vacant.  i listened to everything the doctor said....not my fault....very common...we can try again....but the vacant feeling hasn't gone away and i'm sure it won't for awhile.  the nurse turned out to be a friend of my husband's family, so that was a comfort.  somehow, i managed to drive myself home and call friends to let them know.  now i can't sleep.  so i thought it best to record my feelings so that i can look back on this one day when i am past this.  i just have to remember the words to the song....God didn't promise that everything would be easy or perfect or go the way i planned.  He just promised he would be there to hold me and help me put the pieces back together.