this is how it feels to be held

i have lived such a blessed life and i am so thankful for it.  that's probably why this is so hard for me to come to grips with.  four weeks ago friday, i took a pregnancy test and two beautiful pink lines showed up.  and i took another one.  and another one.  all the same....we were pregnant!  my first instinct was to keep it to ourselves, but we had been trying for a few months and we were so so excited.  we managed to wait a few days, but we couldn't keep it in.  the first person we told was my brother-in-law, who had just become a father himself in october.  we were so thrilled that their little boy would have a cousin just a year younger!  the next week, we told a few other close friends and our parents.  both sets of future grandparents were very happy.  everything seemed to be progressing along just fine....i was feeling sick, tired all the time and all the other things that come along with early pregnancy.  we came up with names and talked about the future and how our lives were about to change.  and then it all came to a screeching halt.  yesterday, i was driving to an appointment when the song "held" by natalie grant came on the radio.  i shouldn't have even been in the car at that time, but i had an unexpected appointment come up that afternoon.  i listened to the lyrics and thought about how profound they were.  it is funny how God gives you little things that you will need at a later time.  i went home after the appointment and had a pretty average evening....leftovers and watching the bachelor (much to my husband's dismay).  just before bed, i went to the bathroom and there was a small amount of blood.  this morning, i called my doctor and they got me in right away.  i sat in my car and prayed for a miracle, a false alarm, anything.  the sonographer was in training...just a student from the local college.  she squeezed the warm gel onto my stomach and swirled the machine around.  my husband held my hand and tried to smile.  i knew almost immediately that it wasn't good.  she brought in her trainer to confirm.  there was no heartbeat.  all i could hear at that moment was the chorus to the song "held"...."this is how it feels to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.  this is how it feels to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held."  i just pictured Jesus holding me right there in the exam room.  i felt so empty....broken.....vacant.  i listened to everything the doctor said....not my fault....very common...we can try again....but the vacant feeling hasn't gone away and i'm sure it won't for awhile.  the nurse turned out to be a friend of my husband's family, so that was a comfort.  somehow, i managed to drive myself home and call friends to let them know.  now i can't sleep.  so i thought it best to record my feelings so that i can look back on this one day when i am past this.  i just have to remember the words to the song....God didn't promise that everything would be easy or perfect or go the way i planned.  He just promised he would be there to hold me and help me put the pieces back together.